You met this great online chat friend, and everything is going well. You talked on the phone a few times, and the conversations were relaxed and enjoyable. You sent a few texts, and he responded very quickly. You even exchanged a few emails--all the signs are there he is into you. You all decide to meet face to face on a Saturday night. He picks you up right on time for dinner. The conversation is fun and light. You all are singing along to songs on the radio. At dinner, he tells you alittle about his job and you share about your job. He has good manners, not talking with his mouth full and pays for the dinner. After dinner, you stroll and chat about your hopes and dreams. It almost feels like you’ve known him your entire life. He takes you home and gives you a nice, long passionate kiss. He says, “I had a nice time, and I will call you soon.” You go inside your home, recall the night and think to yourself this feels right. Sunday goes by no call, Monday goes by no call, you call him on Tuesday, and follow-up with a text, and no response, you never hear from him again.
This is becoming more of a trend where the signs appear to all suggest that he is into you and without notice or word he disappears. While many male behaviors can drive women to question everything about themselves, but the lack of closure or explanation that comes from disappearing without explanation may be the ultimate question women are asking themselves "What went wrong"?
In the midst of such rejection, it may be hard to consider what has happened logically. But there are several reasons why a guy might disappear, and the three main reasons are listed below:
1. He is Emotional Not Available/Healthy.
Men are people, and lots of people have problems. They have baggage. They have fears and past traumas that are too numerous to count. We’re all bouncing around this world trying to appear as normal as possible, so it may be very difficult to determine whether your dinner date is emotionally healthy and content or just acting like he is healthy content.
He may have a great time on your date, and tell you so repeatedly. But once he gets home the demons start in on him. For many men, meeting a woman they like is significantly more terrifying that spending an evening with a woman they don’t have any interest in. It presents the risk of a “real relationship” with love and risk and emotional openness. Scary stuff.
Why doesn’t he call and tell you he is an emotional midget and won’t be asking you out anymore? Do we really need to answer that question?
2. He Was Pretending the Entire Time.
Surely, you say, he wasn’t pretending to be into me. “We talked on the phone often! He told you about his friends his job." We made out!” Oh, how wrong you might be. The kinds of men who are attractive and get dates have two defining traits – the ability to compartmentalize and a desire to avoid drama. If he meets you and decides, “This woman is too ___. I’m just not into her.” His next thought is a lightening fast calculation with the end goal being – escape with minimal drama. In many cases the result of this calculation is “smile, put aside your criticism, focus on the good stuff, and it will be over soon.”
So we’re not saying he was pretending to have a good time. He was pretending he was into you. He might have even said a few things he didn’t really mean, just to get to the end of the date. This doesn’t make him a terrible person, as we all feign pleasure with people at various points in the day/week. It does make him a terrible boyfriend for you.
Why doesn’t he call and tell you he was pretending to be into you the entire date? Do we really need to answer that question?
3. He Likes You, but He Doesn’t “Like-Like” You.
Dating is a process for finding a person with whom you want to have an emotional and sexual relationship.
So, going out with a man who makes interesting conversation, holds your hand, and kisses you at the end of the night tells you nothing about his assessment of your chemistry. He may kiss you and think, “that was awesome” or he may be less thrilled. The first few dates are about trying each other on, and seeing if there is a connection. It can take several outings to draw a firm conclusion about all the different elements of attraction and chemistry.
It isn’t uncommon for the two people involved to come to different conclusions about the “escrow stage” of dating. Perhaps he wants to go forward and she says, “I’m not sure about the landscaping.” It's okay; and this is the perfect time for both of you to be picky and take your time.
In conclusion, you’ll notice a common theme throughout this explanation of simply disappearing. Instead of lamenting of the disappear, CONSIDER IT A BLESSING! It’s the best gift you could have ever received, like your birthday and Christmas all rolled up together. Imagine pursuing a relationship with one of these men. Will the Emotional Unavailable be there to hold you when you’ve had a bad day? Will the Pretender be a trustworthy relationship partner? Will the Player have his eyes focused on you in the restaurant?
We all know the answers, and eHarmony Founder Neil Clark Warren said it best, “Being single is a thousand times better than being in a bad relationship.” Excerpts taking from '4 Good Reasons Why Guys Go 'Poof!'
