The Top 3 Male Turnoffs

Ladies, I want to discuss a subject that I was discussing with my friends during ladies' night out. We were talking about how to attract a good man, and then I asked them, "What do you think turn men off by our behaviors?"  We know it is important to know how to get his engine roaring, but it is also a good idea to know what can destroy the engine. We need to know what turns men on and off. By knowing what types of behaviors will destroy, the engine will help us to stay in the driver's seat to keep the spark, and engine going in the right direction for a long relaxed ride.  After a heated discussion, with the girls, we came up with what we believe are men's top three turnoffs by women's behaviors:

• Turnoff # 1: Trying to change him
• Turnoff # 2: Flakiness
• Turnoff # 3: Ultimatums

Read below for more detail:

Turnoff # 1: Trying to change him

I don't know one woman who has not tried to change at least one man in her life time either intentionally or unintentionally.  You heard these saying before: I had to train him, or I had to retrain him.  Now ladies, if it was up to us, some of us would change the person  from top to bottom, how he dresses, his hair cut, how he eats, how he drives, how he walks, etc etc.

Which makes one wonder, what did you like about the person from the start if there is so much you want to change?    Ladies, if this is you...just stop it...there is a famous saying that "Women marry men hoping they'll change. Men marry women hoping they won't." 

Let's spend more time on accepting them "as is" even when he chews with his mouth open.  Moreover, if you can't accept him "as is" then don't date him. As after all of your hard work of nagging/ yelling about him changing, he may be well-groomed and trained for someone else who will accept him for who he is.

Turnoff # 2: Flakiness

Ladies, raise your hand if you fall into this category of not committing to plans or at the last minute, canceling plans or sabotaging the plans because you are not really into the guy, or your hair is not right, or you are bloated as well as being flaky just to be a flake. If you are constantly saying, "maybe" or I will pencil you in, then you may have given your guy the impression that he is an option vs. a priority.  Just think about that for a moment, would you stick around with a guy who canceled plans continuously. Let me answer for you ---"No" 

So let's be a woman about it, and in Wendy Williams' voice, "Say it like you mean" because if you are not going to keep the date, then don't even agree to it in the first place.  When he stop asking you out altogether, look in the mirror and ask yourself whether you were being flaky and/or if you were making him an option vs. a priority.

Turnoff # 3: Ultimatums

Again, raise your hand if you have done this one, where you said these famous words, "You better" or "If you don't, then I will."  Not only are these types of ultimatums often empty promises, but they are often ineffective.  Because if you don't follow through, you come across as going back to my number two  of being flaky as well as my number one  as trying to change him.   Keep in mind that a healthy, vibrant, and long term relationship, don't need ultimatums as when you are communicating honestly, openly, and directly than ultimatums are unnecessary.

The point of dating is about meeting a variety of different people, so by knowing what are your turn offs and what are the men's turn offs, it will perhaps lead to less frustration and more health positive dating/relationships experiences.

What other women's behaviors turn men offs?

2 Tips to Take Your Relationship from "So-So" to Spectacular

Have you ever wondered why some couples describe their relationship as awesome and others describe their relationship as simply "it's alright?"

After surveying my friends and family, the differences are minimal. The first thing that I discovered that most couples did not contribute their great relationships to hours of hard work. I was surprised by this response since that is what you usually hear when you talk to couples who have a great relationship. I found that it is small changes in attitude, connection, and behavior that can change a relationship from "so so" to awesome. Which lead me to my top two reasons that can assist you in taking your relationship from "so-so" to wow, awesome, spectacular and in the words of J.J from Good Times, Dynamite!

1. Unmet Needs/Unclear Expectations

I was surprised to learn that the main reason for break up is not communication issues, or conflicts nor physical incompatibility, but not fully understanding/addressing the other's needs. Most of the couples who have great relationships, expressed that their partner understood their needs, and that there were clear expectations of each other.

Whereas the couples in the "so-so" relationships often stated that their partner did not know them, or their needs were not being addressed. Example of this is one couple stated that she wanted more cuddling and affection time, and her partner felt that he was meeting her needs by not jumping out of bed right away after love making, and by snuggling during movie time. When I inquired if the couple shared their expectations? The response that I received was "No, but he should know what I like."

So one thing that will help your "so-so" relationship to be more spectacular is to share your expectations at least once a year, which will assist with more open, honest and direct communication.

2. Show and Tell Their Partner Some Love

The next big Ah moment was the women that are in a great relationship shared that they often showed, shared and expressed to their partner some form of love/connection continuously. The women shared that they let their partner know that he is appreciated, respected, honored, "the one" and loved. Surprisingly, these men who received genuine affirmations/love, shared that they often wanted to do more, help more, and spend more time with their partner because they knew that they were appreciated and loved for them with no strings attached.

So ladies, the next time your husband/partner does something nice i.e. cooking dinner, bringing your favorite treat home without you asking him to do so etc. make sure you let him know that you appreciate his efforts, and in time your relationship will go from "so-so" to great.

What tips do you have to keep your relationship from staying exciting, flourishing and wonderful?

PART 2--Should You Really "Stay Friends" After The Relationship is Over?

Previously we discussed the reasons for not staying friends, but here are three reasons to stay friends from the article Should You Really "Stay Friends" After The Relationship is Over? by eharmony staff.

1. Insist on a Substantial Cooling Off Period
There is almost no way that a human being can go from being romantically attracted to someone to being just friends in a short period of time. Emotions aren't switches that get flipped on and off. The old saying is that it takes half the length of the relationship to get over the relationship. So, a six-month romance requires a three-month healing period. It's impossible to be that precise with feelings but as a general rule - wait six months before trying to form a friendship. That means six months without phone calls, emails, and "how you doing?" texts. It's six months where you are completely out of each other's lives so that new relationships and new feelings can grow. If after that period of time, you still want to create a friendship with your old flame, you can start doing the groundwork.

2. Choose Your Venues Wisely
Attraction is a funny thing. Sometimes it just never dies. You may attend a 30-year high school reunion, see an old boyfriend, and have the same giddy feeling you did as a 16-year old. This nature of attraction must always be kept in mind and respected. Let's say you wait six months and meet your old flame to get reacquainted. Consider these possible venues:

1. Group of Friends Attending a Football Game, 12pm - Low Risk
2. Just the two of you at Starbucks. 1pm - Low Risk
3. Dinner with friends, 6pm - Medium Risk
4. After work cocktails, 6pm - High Risk
5. Late night drink, 10pm - Backslide Dead Ahead!

In fact, unless you're meeting each other with new romantic partners in tow, alcohol is a tremendous risk factor. You both need the judgment and restraint that comes with sobriety.

3. Build a Different Dynamic

Opposite sex friends need clear boundaries -- especially if they are involved in romantic relationships with other people. There are things about your interaction that need to change if you're going to be friends. For example, lovers often talk about very intimate feelings. Opposite sex friends who don't want to end up as lovers avoid these topics. There has to be a re-thinking of the ways that you interact.

This extends to your body language as well. Women often have a remarkable ability to tell if two people have had a romantic past. They observe the body language of these two people as they greet each other and talk; and they can predict with high accuracy whether they had a relationship together. They are very keenly observing the familiarity that two people with a sexual past have for each other - a kind of diminished personal space that regular good friends don't have. If you want to be friends with an ex, this is another area where you'll need to consciously work to reconsider your habits.

Staying Friends - is it a good idea? There is no definitive answer to this question. Just remember that building a friendship after a relationship is work. It isn't some easy lower gear you just shift in to. Before you say, "let stay friends" consider if it's what you really want, and whether it is worth the possible risks

What are your thoughts?

Part 1--Should You Really "Stay Friends" After The Relationship is Over?

I read this great article, "Should You Really "Stay Friends" After The Relationship is Over?" by eHarmony Staff.

The article was very interesting because my friend recently broke up with her boyfriend, and he continues to call and ask her out in hopes of getting back together or for a "booty call". My friend continues to avoid his calls or sends him a text/email vs. actually communicating her true feelings. I asked her why she just did not tell him frankly that she was not interested, and she explained that she did not want to hurt his feelings.

Hmmmm, interesting or is it just to feel desirable until the next person comes along.

Ladies, why do we say, "let's stay friends" when we generally do not want to continue any type of friendship/relationship.

The article explains the, "3 Good Reasons Why You Shouldn't Stay Friends"

1. It is hard to turn off romantic feelings
You see it in the paper every day. Someone throws away a prominent career because they have fallen in love (or lust) with someone they shouldn't. This person knows that it is a bad idea, but controlling our emotions in this way takes a discipline that most folks can't muster.

If you've ever been dumped, and agreed to "just be friends" you know deep down inside you still want to get back together. Even if you don't want to…you want to. Each time you get together as friends you're hoping and praying that you'll end up in each other's arms. You may even subtly be pushing things in that direction.

If you did the dumping, the knowledge that this person -- this new friend --would love to kiss you will always be in the back of your mind waiting for the right moment to lead you exactly where you don't want to go.

2. It's easy to get mixed messages
Friends do things for each other. They call when you're sick. They take you out when you've had a bad day. They give you a gift on your birthday. It is very easy to get mixed signals in the midst of all this kindness, love, and support. It's easy to wonder if feelings have changed. If there is some spark underneath all that effort. "Would she really come over and cook me dinner if she didn't love me and want to be with me?" you might ask.

Keeping it all straight can be a full-time job, and a single misinterpretation could lead to the backslide.
3. Hope springs eternal and you need to move on

In a situation where both people part ways and don't see each other again this can be a problem. Your memories may haunt you, and make it difficult to find someone new. But imagine the likelihood of this happening if you're still seeing the person regularly. You can't meet someone new because your old love is still in your life -- hanging around being your pal and reminding you how great they are.

One of the worst things that can happen to your dating life is getting hung up on someone who doesn't love you. You pine, and they move on. Each new person that comes your way and expresses interest is swiftly blown off, because you are desperately hoping you can rekindle the flame with your ex.


What are your thoughts?

The full article is here:

http://advice.eharmony.com/dating/important-questions/should-you-really-stay-friends-after-the-relationship-is-over

4 Great Places to Meet People (Other Than Bars)

Well I am not a bar hopper, so me meeting a cool person at a bar is very slim.  I thought about where men hangout and thought of these non-alcoholic spots that are conducive for meeting people for the following reasons:

• The surroundings provide subject matter and spark conversation
• They are quieter than bars so you can hear each other
• They bring people with common interests together

My top 4 places are:

Concerts/Shows/Plays

People gather before the show starts, and intermissions provide a little window to chat with people about the production. Then, at the end of the production, there's always time too.

Sporting Events/Casinos

If you like sports, then try a sporting bar, as there is plenty to talk about as people react to their team's performance, or wear sports apparel reflecting their team allegiance. Ladies, pls do not go to the sporting bar if you have no concept at all about sports. As the point is to go and have fun/relax and meeting new people.  

Book Stores/Cafes

Lots of people talk about books they are reading, even when someone approaches them and asks them about the book. Book stores surround us with conversation-starting items. You can even "select" someone based on what section they are browsing.

Classes

My friend Karen is taking bowling classes and tells me about all of the great people she's met in class. It can be any type of class  (cooking, yoga, dance, music, computers) is a great place to meet people. Any class you join will include people with similar interests. It's a low-pressure environment that encourages teamwork. And, even if you don't meet that special someone, you're still improving yourself.

Where do you like to meet people?

Dating Tips: 9 Simple Things Women Want

I read this great article, "Dating Tips: 9 Simple Things Women Want By YourTango.com.

The article shared "many a man has questioned, "What exactly do women want?" We're not playing coy here, we know we're complex creatures. And, true, we operate on a different wavelength than men. But women aren't exactly the great mystery that men often make us out to be. While many women really do want luxury goods from men, when you break it down they are just physical representations of some of the points on this list."

When I read the 9 Simple Things, 4 stood out to me which are:

1. Respect. Show us through your actions that you respect our opinions, careers, interests, friends, bodies, and minds. You don't have to agree with all that we say or do, but try to honor our opinions as valuable contributions. Follow the golden rule and treat us as you would like to be treated: Be honest, fair, kind, and considerate.

2. Romance. It's another night on the couch with takeout and TiVo? Just because we're staying in doesn't mean the evening can't be romantic. Light a few candles and see where the night leads. Treat us like your girlfriend, even after we become your wife. Date nights, physical affection in the car, kissing like when we first started dating -- all of the things that made us fall in love with you don't have to stop just because now there are bills to pay, a house to be cleaned, and kids to be bathed. Bring home flowers for no reason. We're not talking $100 bouquets of roses here. Even the $10 bouquets from the supermarket are enough to make us smile.

3. Time. We understand relationships can't be all wine and roses; simply making the time to be with us and treating us like your top priority says "love" more than all the fancy gifts and lovely letters ever could. This includes helping around the house. The realities of a 21st-century relationship are that both partners probably work. If you happen to get home before we do, why not vacuum the living room or throw in a load of laundry? If you take the garbage out without being asked, chances are you'll be getting a big ole smooch when you come back.

4. Communication. Women are vocal creatures. We know you love us, but it's nice to hear you say it, too. We can also be insecure. We wish we weren't, but the reality is that we often notice our wobbly thighs and forget about our gorgeous eyes. So let us know when you think we're hot. Tell us we're beautiful. It helps us feel good. Words of appreciation aren't half-bad either. Tell us you love the lasagna we made. Notice that we cleaned the bathtub. It doesn't have to be over the top, just let us know that you see the effort we put in, and you're grateful.

What would you add to the list?

Click Here to read the entire article for the other 5 Things Women Want: YourTango.com.

Are you the Change that you wish to see in the world?

I'm sharing two of my favorite quotes

"You must be the change you wish to see in the world." 

Mahatma Gandhi

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

Marianne Williamson

Every day I decide to be the change that I wish to see. I make a conscious effort to walk, talk and interact with the world around me in a positive way as I know that I'm making a difference to make the world a better place.

Do you know that you make a difference? Share your thoughts.