3 Reasons Why Women Sabotage Their Relationships ~ Check it out!

When we are talking with our girlfriends about guys, no one comes right out and say that I am going to sabotage my relationship. Most of us want to grow our relationship, so that it leads to true love and lasting happiness.

Would you be surprised if I said there are countless women who without intent are sabotaging/blocking their own potential of having a long lasting relationship? Many women are putting out the spark before the fire is ignited.

Stop and think about the next three scenarios related to sabotaging relationships then ask yourself honestly: "Have I done that" or "Do I do that?" If you are still not sure, ask one of your girlfriends, hint here, not your girlfriend who will just agree with everything you say, but the one that tells it like it is.

After looking at yourself or talking to your girlfriend, and the answer is a maybe to any one of these scenarios, then it is time to rethink your approach, adjust your attitude, think outside the box, and take a leap of faith to potentially connect with Mr. Right.

#1. You’ve refused to go out with a guy because he didn’t fit your perfect picture or your checklist.

A guy asked you out, and you refused to go out with him because he did not have the items on your checklist or he did not fit your perfect image in your head of Mr. Right. You know the list I am talking about i.e. he has to be handsome, a certain height, drive a certain car, have money etc. At some point, most girls create a fantasy of their perfect man or about their Prince Charming riding on a horse and sweeping them off their feet.

Whether this is because we seen to many Cinderella Stories, or to many reality shows, but this image/fantasy is stuck in our head, so when a typical guy cross our path, the checklist is pulled out sometimes literally and figuratively to compare and contrast the man in front of us. However, a surprising number of those images/fantasies are unrealistic, and are based on superficiality or just outdated values.

Ladies, step away from the checklist, the man in our fantasies may not exist, but the man that is in front of us maybe able to connect with us, so that the fairy tale ending of walking into the sunset can occur.

#2. You’ve judged a guy based solely on looks, and ignored all the other great qualities
Ok, hit the "Y" key if you have done this. I have been guilty of this one, of judging a guy solely on looks, and ignoring the fact that he had other qualities and characteristics that I like to see in the man.

We see a guy from a distant at a party, and he looks ok, then when he approaches you see that he has pimples, or his teeth are not straight or he is dressed weird, but he is funny, sweet, and kind. We all know that great looks don't last, that is why the health and beauty industries reports over 6 billion dollars a year in profits.

Remember a man with a loving spirit, and kind heart goes a long way, then the one that has a Brad Pitt's face only. So be careful when looks are your only criteria.

#3. You have a pattern of getting into arguments with your significant other -- for no real reason.
Sometimes my girlfriends call me to tell me about their fight they just had with their significant other. When I ask what it was about, it is often for no real reason. One was about the darn toilet seat being left up and another about using guest's towels. This list goes on and on.

So for this one ladies, let's be honest and objective as you can, is the argument really about the toilet seat, or the guest's towel. Probably not, but a symptom of a bigger issue, but it is easier to fight/ague about the toilet seat then to address the real issue.

Often, we are placing transference on the current relationship based on past relationships or we are hurt about something that our partner did or did not do, but whatever the issue is it is rarely about the toilet seat.

As you go about your day, keep in mind that it takes two to tangle, and a good beginning helps to create long lasting sustainable relationship, so the fairytale has a happy ending.

What are your thoughts?

2 Tips to Take Your Relationship from "So-So" to Spectacular

Have you ever wondered why some couples describe their relationship as awesome and others describe their relationship as simply "it's alright?"

After surveying my friends and family, the differences are minimal. The first thing that I discovered that most couples did not contribute their great relationships to hours of hard work. I was surprised by this response since that is what you usually hear when you talk to couples who have a great relationship. I found that it is small changes in attitude, connection, and behavior that can change a relationship from "so so" to awesome. Which lead me to my top two reasons that can assist you in taking your relationship from "so-so" to wow, awesome, spectacular and in the words of J.J from Good Times, Dynamite!

1. Unmet Needs/Unclear Expectations

I was surprised to learn that the main reason for break up is not communication issues, or conflicts nor physical incompatibility, but not fully understanding/addressing the other's needs. Most of the couples who have great relationships, expressed that their partner understood their needs, and that there were clear expectations of each other.

Whereas the couples in the "so-so" relationships often stated that their partner did not know them, or their needs were not being addressed. Example of this is one couple stated that she wanted more cuddling and affection time, and her partner felt that he was meeting her needs by not jumping out of bed right away after love making, and by snuggling during movie time. When I inquired if the couple shared their expectations? The response that I received was "No, but he should know what I like."

So one thing that will help your "so-so" relationship to be more spectacular is to share your expectations at least once a year, which will assist with more open, honest and direct communication.

2. Show and Tell Their Partner Some Love

The next big Ah moment was the women that are in a great relationship shared that they often showed, shared and expressed to their partner some form of love/connection continuously. The women shared that they let their partner know that he is appreciated, respected, honored, "the one" and loved. Surprisingly, these men who received genuine affirmations/love, shared that they often wanted to do more, help more, and spend more time with their partner because they knew that they were appreciated and loved for them with no strings attached.

So ladies, the next time your husband/partner does something nice i.e. cooking dinner, bringing your favorite treat home without you asking him to do so etc. make sure you let him know that you appreciate his efforts, and in time your relationship will go from "so-so" to great.

What tips do you have to keep your relationship from staying exciting, flourishing and wonderful?

PART 2--Should You Really "Stay Friends" After The Relationship is Over?

Previously we discussed the reasons for not staying friends, but here are three reasons to stay friends from the article Should You Really "Stay Friends" After The Relationship is Over? by eharmony staff.

1. Insist on a Substantial Cooling Off Period
There is almost no way that a human being can go from being romantically attracted to someone to being just friends in a short period of time. Emotions aren't switches that get flipped on and off. The old saying is that it takes half the length of the relationship to get over the relationship. So, a six-month romance requires a three-month healing period. It's impossible to be that precise with feelings but as a general rule - wait six months before trying to form a friendship. That means six months without phone calls, emails, and "how you doing?" texts. It's six months where you are completely out of each other's lives so that new relationships and new feelings can grow. If after that period of time, you still want to create a friendship with your old flame, you can start doing the groundwork.

2. Choose Your Venues Wisely
Attraction is a funny thing. Sometimes it just never dies. You may attend a 30-year high school reunion, see an old boyfriend, and have the same giddy feeling you did as a 16-year old. This nature of attraction must always be kept in mind and respected. Let's say you wait six months and meet your old flame to get reacquainted. Consider these possible venues:

1. Group of Friends Attending a Football Game, 12pm - Low Risk
2. Just the two of you at Starbucks. 1pm - Low Risk
3. Dinner with friends, 6pm - Medium Risk
4. After work cocktails, 6pm - High Risk
5. Late night drink, 10pm - Backslide Dead Ahead!

In fact, unless you're meeting each other with new romantic partners in tow, alcohol is a tremendous risk factor. You both need the judgment and restraint that comes with sobriety.

3. Build a Different Dynamic

Opposite sex friends need clear boundaries -- especially if they are involved in romantic relationships with other people. There are things about your interaction that need to change if you're going to be friends. For example, lovers often talk about very intimate feelings. Opposite sex friends who don't want to end up as lovers avoid these topics. There has to be a re-thinking of the ways that you interact.

This extends to your body language as well. Women often have a remarkable ability to tell if two people have had a romantic past. They observe the body language of these two people as they greet each other and talk; and they can predict with high accuracy whether they had a relationship together. They are very keenly observing the familiarity that two people with a sexual past have for each other - a kind of diminished personal space that regular good friends don't have. If you want to be friends with an ex, this is another area where you'll need to consciously work to reconsider your habits.

Staying Friends - is it a good idea? There is no definitive answer to this question. Just remember that building a friendship after a relationship is work. It isn't some easy lower gear you just shift in to. Before you say, "let stay friends" consider if it's what you really want, and whether it is worth the possible risks

What are your thoughts?

Part 1--Should You Really "Stay Friends" After The Relationship is Over?

I read this great article, "Should You Really "Stay Friends" After The Relationship is Over?" by eHarmony Staff.

The article was very interesting because my friend recently broke up with her boyfriend, and he continues to call and ask her out in hopes of getting back together or for a "booty call". My friend continues to avoid his calls or sends him a text/email vs. actually communicating her true feelings. I asked her why she just did not tell him frankly that she was not interested, and she explained that she did not want to hurt his feelings.

Hmmmm, interesting or is it just to feel desirable until the next person comes along.

Ladies, why do we say, "let's stay friends" when we generally do not want to continue any type of friendship/relationship.

The article explains the, "3 Good Reasons Why You Shouldn't Stay Friends"

1. It is hard to turn off romantic feelings
You see it in the paper every day. Someone throws away a prominent career because they have fallen in love (or lust) with someone they shouldn't. This person knows that it is a bad idea, but controlling our emotions in this way takes a discipline that most folks can't muster.

If you've ever been dumped, and agreed to "just be friends" you know deep down inside you still want to get back together. Even if you don't want to…you want to. Each time you get together as friends you're hoping and praying that you'll end up in each other's arms. You may even subtly be pushing things in that direction.

If you did the dumping, the knowledge that this person -- this new friend --would love to kiss you will always be in the back of your mind waiting for the right moment to lead you exactly where you don't want to go.

2. It's easy to get mixed messages
Friends do things for each other. They call when you're sick. They take you out when you've had a bad day. They give you a gift on your birthday. It is very easy to get mixed signals in the midst of all this kindness, love, and support. It's easy to wonder if feelings have changed. If there is some spark underneath all that effort. "Would she really come over and cook me dinner if she didn't love me and want to be with me?" you might ask.

Keeping it all straight can be a full-time job, and a single misinterpretation could lead to the backslide.
3. Hope springs eternal and you need to move on

In a situation where both people part ways and don't see each other again this can be a problem. Your memories may haunt you, and make it difficult to find someone new. But imagine the likelihood of this happening if you're still seeing the person regularly. You can't meet someone new because your old love is still in your life -- hanging around being your pal and reminding you how great they are.

One of the worst things that can happen to your dating life is getting hung up on someone who doesn't love you. You pine, and they move on. Each new person that comes your way and expresses interest is swiftly blown off, because you are desperately hoping you can rekindle the flame with your ex.


What are your thoughts?

The full article is here:

http://advice.eharmony.com/dating/important-questions/should-you-really-stay-friends-after-the-relationship-is-over

4 Great Places to Meet People (Other Than Bars)

Well I am not a bar hopper, so me meeting a cool person at a bar is very slim.  I thought about where men hangout and thought of these non-alcoholic spots that are conducive for meeting people for the following reasons:

• The surroundings provide subject matter and spark conversation
• They are quieter than bars so you can hear each other
• They bring people with common interests together

My top 4 places are:

Concerts/Shows/Plays

People gather before the show starts, and intermissions provide a little window to chat with people about the production. Then, at the end of the production, there's always time too.

Sporting Events/Casinos

If you like sports, then try a sporting bar, as there is plenty to talk about as people react to their team's performance, or wear sports apparel reflecting their team allegiance. Ladies, pls do not go to the sporting bar if you have no concept at all about sports. As the point is to go and have fun/relax and meeting new people.  

Book Stores/Cafes

Lots of people talk about books they are reading, even when someone approaches them and asks them about the book. Book stores surround us with conversation-starting items. You can even "select" someone based on what section they are browsing.

Classes

My friend Karen is taking bowling classes and tells me about all of the great people she's met in class. It can be any type of class  (cooking, yoga, dance, music, computers) is a great place to meet people. Any class you join will include people with similar interests. It's a low-pressure environment that encourages teamwork. And, even if you don't meet that special someone, you're still improving yourself.

Where do you like to meet people?

Dating Advice: 4 Secrets to a Spectacular Relationship

Peek into the lives of happy couples and find out how these four love moves will bring you closer than ever.

By dating editor Nicole Yorio for Redbook

What do couples who describe their relationship as spectacular do differently than those who describe theirs as simply so-so? The differences are quite small, actually.

"When we look at happy couples, we see that great partnerships are not the result of hours of hard work," says relationship researcher Terri L. Orbuch, Ph.D., who followed 373 couples for over 22 years as part of a marriage study funded by the National Institutes of Health. "It's small changes in behavior and attitude that can transform your relationship." In her new book," Orbuch shares the steps you can take to a spectacular relationship.

#1. Understand Each Other's Needs

"The main reason marriages break up is not conflict, communication problems, or physical incompatibility," Orbuch says. "It's frustration -- the day-to-day disappointment of the gap between what you expect and how your partner acts -- that is most damaging." To diffuse that frustration, share your expectations with each other. Maybe you desire more affection and he craves more relaxed couple time. "And be sure to check in with your partner once a year, as added pressures or life changes can create new expectations," Orbuch says.

#2. Show Him Some Love

Men whose partners give them affirmation -- those words and gestures that show they are appreciated, respected, and loved -- are twice as likely to describe themselves as happy in their relationship. And men may need affirmation more than women, Orbuch's research showed. "Women are constantly receiving flattery from friends and even strangers who say, 'Love your outfit!'" she says. "But men don't get that recognition." Can you imagine a passerby stopping your guy to compliment him on how well his tie matches his shirt? Not gonna happen -- which is why men rely on that attention from their mates. Luckily, there's another payoff to your flattery: He's more likely to return those loving deeds back to you.

#3. Take 10

A weekly date night is always recommended as a way to reconnect, but sometimes all you need is a few minutes. "I call this the 10-Minute Rule: Take 10 minutes a day to talk about anything, except for responsibilities or chores," Orbuch says. Throw out Mom's old advice about how an air of mystery keeps the flame alive: Orbuch's research showed that 98 percent of happy couples say they intimately understand their partners.

And knowing your partner intimately isn't always about engaging in heavy conversations: Anything that helps you learn something new will bring you closer, Orbuch says. You can bond over why you think your dog is the smartest one on the block or which superpower you'd want most. You'll get to know each other's inner world and strengthen your bond of happiness.

#4. Focus on the Good

The best way to make your relationship better is to work at fixing what's wrong, right? Nope. "The most effective way to boost fun and passion is to add positive elements to your marriage," Orbuch says. "That positive energy makes us feel good and motivates us to keep going in that direction."

This doesn't mean that you can't feel -- or talk about -- anything negative, but "pretend you are weighing your interactions on a scale," she says. "If you want a happier relationship, the positive side needs to far outweigh the bad." The more you honor the love and joy in your bond, the sooner you'll transform your partnership into one that is truly great.

Reprinted with permission of Hearst Communications, Inc.

4 Secrets to a Spectacular Relationship

I'm always looking for great articles on love and relationships to continue to improve my relationships, so I found this quick read by Nicole Yorjo titled "4 Secrets to a Spectacular Relationship". The article was insightful and the tips were easy to implement without spending any money. These four love moves will bring you closer to your partner and increase your level of intimacy and connection. I included tips # 1 and #4, but read all 4 tips to improve your love life.

#1. Understand Each Other's Needs

"The main reason marriages break up is not conflict, communication problems, or physical incompatibility," Orbuch says. "It's frustration -- the day-to-day disappointment of the gap between what you expect and how your partner acts -- that is most damaging." To diffuse that frustration, share your expectations with each other. Maybe you desire more affection and he craves more relaxed couple time. "And be sure to check in with your partner once a year, as added pressures or life changes can create new expectations," Orbuch says.

#4. Focus on the Good

The best way to make your relationship better is to work at fixing what's wrong, right? Nope. "The most effective way to boost fun and passion is to add positive elements to your marriage," Orbuch says. "That positive energy makes us feel good and motivates us to keep going in that direction."

This doesn't mean that you can't feel -- or talk about -- anything negative, but "pretend you are weighing your interactions on a scale," she says. "If you want a happier relationship, the positive side needs to far outweigh the bad." The more you honor the love and joy in your bond, the sooner you'll transform your partnership into one that is truly great.

I implemented these two tips with my partner and our relationships have improved significant as he knows exactly what I need out of the relationship and I understand his needs more clearly. With both of us focusing on the good, we bring out the best of each person. Try all four tips and see if these tips do not improve your relationship as well as feeling extremely loved and supported.

So join me in getting fit and healthy by changing our mind, body and spirit one day at a time.

LOVE: WHY DO MEN DISAPPEAR!!!

3 Good Reasons Why Guys Disappear Without Notice!

You met this great online chat friend, and everything is going well. You talked on the phone a few times, and the conversations were relaxed and enjoyable. You sent a few texts, and he responded very quickly. You even exchanged a few emails--all the signs are there he is into you. You all decide to meet face to face on a Saturday night. He picks you up right on time for dinner. The conversation is fun and light. You all are singing along to songs on the radio. At dinner, he tells you alittle about his job and you share about your job. He has good manners, not talking with his mouth full and pays for the dinner. After dinner, you stroll and chat about your hopes and dreams. It almost feels like you’ve known him your entire life. He takes you home and gives you a nice, long passionate kiss. He says, “I had a nice time, and I will call you soon.” You go inside your home, recall the night and think to yourself this feels right. Sunday goes by no call, Monday goes by no call, you call him on Tuesday, and follow-up with a text, and no response, you never hear from him again.

This is becoming more of a trend where the signs appear to all suggest that he is into you and without notice or word he disappears. While many male behaviors can drive women to question everything about themselves, but the lack of closure or explanation that comes from disappearing without explanation may be the ultimate question women are asking themselves "What went wrong"?

In the midst of such rejection, it may be hard to consider what has happened logically. But there are several reasons why a guy might disappear, and the three main reasons are listed below:

1. He is Emotional Not Available/Healthy.

Men are people, and lots of people have problems. They have baggage. They have fears and past traumas that are too numerous to count. We’re all bouncing around this world trying to appear as normal as possible, so it may be very difficult to determine whether your dinner date is emotionally healthy and content or just acting like he is healthy content.
He may have a great time on your date, and tell you so repeatedly. But once he gets home the demons start in on him. For many men, meeting a woman they like is significantly more terrifying that spending an evening with a woman they don’t have any interest in. It presents the risk of a “real relationship” with love and risk and emotional openness. Scary stuff.
Why doesn’t he call and tell you he is an emotional midget and won’t be asking you out anymore? Do we really need to answer that question?

2. He Was Pretending the Entire Time.

Surely, you say, he wasn’t pretending to be into me. “We talked on the phone often! He told you about his friends his job." We made out!” Oh, how wrong you might be. The kinds of men who are attractive and get dates have two defining traits – the ability to compartmentalize and a desire to avoid drama. If he meets you and decides, “This woman is too ___. I’m just not into her.” His next thought is a lightening fast calculation with the end goal being – escape with minimal drama. In many cases the result of this calculation is “smile, put aside your criticism, focus on the good stuff, and it will be over soon.”

So we’re not saying he was pretending to have a good time. He was pretending he was into you. He might have even said a few things he didn’t really mean, just to get to the end of the date. This doesn’t make him a terrible person, as we all feign pleasure with people at various points in the day/week. It does make him a terrible boyfriend for you.

Why doesn’t he call and tell you he was pretending to be into you the entire date? Do we really need to answer that question?

3. He Likes You, but He Doesn’t “Like-Like” You.

Dating is a process for finding a person with whom you want to have an emotional and sexual relationship.

So, going out with a man who makes interesting conversation, holds your hand, and kisses you at the end of the night tells you nothing about his assessment of your chemistry. He may kiss you and think, “that was awesome” or he may be less thrilled. The first few dates are about trying each other on, and seeing if there is a connection. It can take several outings to draw a firm conclusion about all the different elements of attraction and chemistry.

It isn’t uncommon for the two people involved to come to different conclusions about the “escrow stage” of dating. Perhaps he wants to go forward and she says, “I’m not sure about the landscaping.” It's okay; and this is the perfect time for both of you to be picky and take your time.

In conclusion, you’ll notice a common theme throughout this explanation of simply disappearing. Instead of lamenting of the disappear, CONSIDER IT A BLESSING! It’s the best gift you could have ever received, like your birthday and Christmas all rolled up together. Imagine pursuing a relationship with one of these men. Will the Emotional Unavailable be there to hold you when you’ve had a bad day? Will the Pretender be a trustworthy relationship partner? Will the Player have his eyes focused on you in the restaurant?

We all know the answers, and eHarmony Founder Neil Clark Warren said it best, “Being single is a thousand times better than being in a bad relationship.” Excerpts taking from '4 Good Reasons Why Guys Go 'Poof!'

4 Top Things Men Should Never Do

I read this article by Diane Oatis, "10 Things Husbands Should Never Do" and I went wow. I absolutely agree with everything that she noted on the list. "Guys, we love you, we really do. But as wonderful as you are, every so often you do something that makes us want to jump out the nearest window (or push you out first). Please, please, don’t ever…"


My top four from the list are:

• Be unimpressed by a meal that took a lot of time and trouble. I don’t know whose fault this is (Food Network? Julie and Julia?), but every so often we get the idea that it would be fun to make stock and spend the day basting. If the result is less than earth-shattering, say something nice anyway.

• Know it all, especially in public. Oh, honey. While you’re going on at length about whatever it is, we’re taking the temperature of the room, and we know everyone’s starting to fidget.

• Say anything remotely critical about our new haircut. Sometimes getting a new cut goes well; sometimes it doesn’t. Usually we know the difference. Don’t rub it in.

• Expect a medal for doing a little housework. Umm…it’s your house too, right? For now, we’ll give you the bronze. Maybe someday, if you work hard enough, you can pick up a gold.

If you do not want to sleep on the couch

or

be in the dog house

or

get the cold shoulder when you want some loving

or

have your mate thinking of ways to kill you in your sleep......

then please, please do not make any negative, critical, or comical comments about my top four things men should never do.